It's acceptable, traditional, in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious, and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.

Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing - urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during Happy Hour.

Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.