Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

Never ask a bartender "What's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

If you're the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook.  The same goes for him.

The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your father, hers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.